A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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