Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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