hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
