TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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