I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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