My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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