I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
