fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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