he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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