But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
