I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
