Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
