Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
