More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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