My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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