yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
