oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
