there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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