he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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