you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
