i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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