An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
