I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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