I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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