Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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