I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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