I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
