shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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