I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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