I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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