dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
