I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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