Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
