I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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