The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
