Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
