Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
