I didn't shave. On purpose
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
