New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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