I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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