9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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