apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
