I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
