and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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