don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
