i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
