Apparently you make a good broom.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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