If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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