evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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