Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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