I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
