I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
