I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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