She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
