I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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