Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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