She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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