Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
