this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His hands were made for my vagina.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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