im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
